Identity

Well, I did it. I dyed my hair brown.  And I've had a roller coaster of opinions (both my own and others) in the past 18 hours. All of which I find completely fascinating because what I really want to know is the truth and I only think I'm getting it halfway. Unfortunately, i think the ones that are being truthful are the ones that don't like it.

But the beauty of it is that it makes no difference if people don't like it. It's not their head. They haven't been living with super blonde hair for 23.5 years. Yes my blonde hair was beautiful, I don't deny it. But I needed a change and nobody but nobody was going to stop me.

Here's how it went.

All day on Friday, it was literally all I could think about. I was telling everyone and harping on about it, basically being really annoying. I think subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) I was trying to gauge how crazy this actually was. I wasn't kidding myself, I knew it was going to be a MAJOR change but I guess I was waiting for someone's comments to really stick and make me go, well maybe this is a bad idea. But that never happened. Plenty of people were befuddled that I would want to change my beautiful blonde hair but no one was convincing enough to make me change my decision.

I left work and drove over to the salon and met April. SO cute. Made me comfortable right from the beginning and she was my last test. I'd already told her that I wanted to go brown and I was a natural virgin (haha) blonde but I also knew that she wouldn't expect me to be as blonde as I was.  And I was right, she didn't expect it. But here's the kicker. Instead of going, are you sure you want to do this? She said, I think it will look stunning. You will be a gorgeous brunette. Done. We went through different color swatches to find a color that would compliment my skin and eyes and wouldn't be too drastic. Ultimately, I think we may have gone one shade too dark but thats nothing a little mystic tan can't cure. Just call me Snooki.

Anyway, when she started mixing the color she asked me what Pandora station I'd like to listen to and because I've been listening to it recently I told her the John Mayer station. Well, my absolute favorite John Mayer song was first. I could literally feel my heart smiling and my muscles relaxing. Throughout the 2.5 hours I was there (I know, dang.) So many songs that I love and that make me happy played and I felt so good about my decision. It seems like such a silly thing to place so much weight on but I've never heard some of these songs on that station and whether or not this makes any sense, it completely confirmed my decision and no matter the outcome I knew I could make it work.

She put what was supposed to be the only coat on my hair and I had to let it sit for like 20 minutes. BOY it was dark with the paste on. Not gonna lie, a quick "oh sh*!" went through my mind. But another awesome song came on and I let it go. Well when she washed it out and started cutting, it started drying and holy cow I was a red-head. Violet-head is more like it. It was like a purpley-redish brownish mop. This is funny because as we were going through the color swatches I kept saying, I really don't want red, I really don't want red. Good one. I think she could see the shock and awe on my face and promptly decided we needed another rinse to bring it down to more brown than red. Good thinking, April. So she finished cutting and it looked adorable and then she colored it again and as I said before I think it went one shade too dark but its no longer violet. So she finished shaping the cut and rolly brush blow-dried and voila! Hello, my name is Melissa, nice to meet you.

Although I left the salon SO happy with everything I was still terrified that I would wake up this morning and have a meltdown. Well, I was close but no cigar. I kind of avoided the mirrors in my apartment for the first hour I was awake. Then I ventured over. Well with no makeup and looking sleepy, it was a scary sight hahaha. I mean I probably look like that alot but the darkness of my hair made it more pronounced. Last night, someone compared it to when Mandy Moore and Reese Witherspoon dyed their hair brown (Mandy for life, Reese for movie roles). So I went online and looked up pictures of them as blondes and brunettes and it made me feel better. Really, I just need to stay mildly tan and it will look great. Hilary Duff is another good example from really blonde to medium dark brown.

Brunette Mandy Moore

Blonde Mandy Moore

Through all of this I'm trying to prove/ have come to some conclusions that personal identity is a very interesting conundrum. When I posted a picture of the finished product yesterday evening on facebook and twitter, I got quite a few comments that said "Who are you?". Well, what do you mean? I'm still Mel. I'm still the exact same person. I just changed my hair color. My blonde hair did not define me. Yes, I'm sure that some of my personality traits were developed because I looked young and fun and innocent and that's how people treated me. I did not make this change in order to justify changing myself as a person. I'm still me and will continue to be no matter what color my hair happens to be. Lord knows  I will change my mind again. For now, for better or worse, I am content and will try my darndest to drown out those who don't have positive things to say about it.  For those of you who have told me you like it, love it or think it looks great, I thank you. Whether you are being truthful or not, I don't much care. For those of you who don't like it, lie to me. Just lie right through your teeth and tell me it looks stellar. Many thanks.

Hahaha on a side note, and we all know I love side notes, I'm writing this in Olmos Perk (duh) and a guy who is usually here about the same time as me on Saturdays just did a very dramatic double take, pointed at his hair and gave me a thumbs up. Thanks man, I appreciate the support.

In other news, one week down in my new position at work. It's going well, ultimately my success will depend on repetition so only time will tell. I'm staying optimistic.

Currently listening: "The Devil's Tears" by Angus and Julia Stone

Hustle & Flo

Today concludes my 11 months and 2 weeks in my first real job. That's kind of a big deal. Similar to Ron Burgundy. Freaks me out a little. I've been lucky enough to have a good job when so many people do not. Not gonna lie though, I'm leaving this position grateful but completely ready to move on. And my next position is going to be far from a cake walk but it's something new, interesting, challenging and worthwhile. Which is right up my alley at the moment.

It's right up my alley because for whatever reason I'm leaning right into change. I want it to happen. I'm ready to make some changes when normally I shy away from it. Historically, I haven't transitioned well. My mind and body both react negatively to major changes in circumstance or mindset. I think to an extent I'm still reacting negatively, but just in a "I want to do something totally crazy" way instead of a "im terrified, can i sink farther under these covers?" way. Weird.

But fret-not dear ones, my crazy is way less crazy than most people's crazy. My crazy means dying my hair brown. Which I haven't done yet but definitely have a mind to do come my hair appointment one week from today. As a natural blonde going on 24 years, that's pretty big. For someone who had hairdressers gasp at the color of her hair for years, going brown is almost sac-religious. Like I said. Crazy. Don't care. I'm doin it anyway.

I've been hustling my butt off for a year and I think I just need a change. And I feel SO compelled to do it. I feel I'm having this desire for a reason and I should follow my heart on this one. I'll definitely post a picture once I do it. AHHHHHHH.

Like I feel compelled to dye my hair brown, Liz Gilbert felt compelled to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia in "Eat, Pray, Love". I'm reading EPL right now after having tried once before and making it about half way through. I'm in a completely different place now than when I tried to read it before and I think it resonates much more with me now. In accordance with that, I just won tickets to a sneak preview of the movie for Wednesday! I'm really excited because it seems like its going to actually be a great transition from book to movie.

The trailer for the movie features the song "Dog Days are Over" by the band Florence + The Machine. It is such an uplifting, boppy, beautiful song and I just can't get enough of it or her right now. Her music is putting me in a better place. She uses harp in her band and it is so gorgeous. A specific choreographer on one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance, keeps choreographing to her music too so I'm just surrounded by Flo.

I'm currently in Houston Hobby airport waiting for my flight back to San Antonio from being in New Orleans visiting my family for the weekend. I was literally in New Orleans for 40 hours because like I said previously I really can't afford to take any vacation now when I have so much to learn at work. Anyway, it was a good trip but definitely sad. My last living grandparent, my Dad's father, is 90. He is now at the age where his deterioration will start moving much more rapidly. In the 8 months since the last trip I made to New Orleans, things have gotten progressively worse. He has Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's affects each person differently and for my PawPaw, his short term memory is going first. He can give you an extremely detailed play by play of his hitchhiking journeys in the 1940's but he has no idea what year it is now. He can't remember that I graduated from college. But he has 2 great grandchildren that are 5 and 2 and he knows them. It's just a frightening realization that I didn't have to face with any other grandparent. And I can't surpress the guilt that maybe he would know me better if I could see him more often. But when I told him about my job and life he was so excited that I was making my own way. And that all started with him. So that's a new little hope. What I'm doing now will someday be reflected back to me in my grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Lookin forward to it.