Curve Balls

Sometimes life throws you a serious curve ball....or six. I really hate being super emo and whiney but you're gonna have to bear with me on this one. It's been a tough couple of weeks and while I've been trying my darndest to stay positive, it's really hard today. In my last post I wrote about how I was looking for a new place to live. Well the next weekend after that post, I found it. And my life has been riddled with issues ever since.

The Main House

I moved into a house that had been converted into units about a decade ago. The house hadn't really been kept up and over the course of the past 2 years, the current owners have re-done a lot of it and pretended like they'd re-done a lot of it. What do I mean by that? I mean they completely renovated the bottom floor and slapped a couple new layers of paint and flooring on the 2nd floor units to make it look like they'd completely renovated those as well. The problem is, they hadn't. Even the landlord thought they had. So here I am, 3 weeks into this now and my housemate and I are dealing with power outtages every 2 hours. And this is just the latest and largest problem I've had to figure out a solution for in the past month. Recounting every single problem would take far too long. I've been amazingly patient about things getting done/fixed and now I'm just upset.

It seems nothing can get done until I get angry. Why is please not enough anymore? I keep asking nicely and nothing gets done. I lose my temper and it gets done in 24 hours. I DO NOT want to get into a habit of thinking that anger is the only way to affect any change or action from the people around me. It's unhealthy and something I'd like to minimize in my life. I know what it looks like to let anger control you and I am determined for that to not be my story.

I'm upset because even now that we've come to a point where a serious decision about further renovations needs to be made no matter what, they are trying to get rid of me so they don't have to deal with it. People, I am here to tell you, NO ONE is going to live in an apartment where they are told there might not be electricity from time to time and pay what the management is asking in rent right now. It is LUDICROUS. And I don't want them to be let off the hook this easy. They screwed up and they need to take responsibility for it. Why is it so difficult for grown adults to act like it? I am 23 years old and have more self-responsibility and maturity than half the people I come across that are 10+ years older than me. That is a sickeningly tragic truth.

To Change or Not to Change

That is the question. It is a question women ask themselves on an almost daily basis about their relationships and potential relationships. I am totally honest with my friends. They know who I am, what I like and where I'm willing/unwilling to budge. That is how it should be. They are my friends because they accept those things about me and I about them. It is a complete 180 degree difference when it comes to men. For whatever psychological reason, women change themselves sometimes dramatically to attract/appease a man they want/already have. I've always held to my belief that he will come when he comes and he will want me for me.

Unfortunately, we women are irrational. We justify our thoughts and behaviors in any way we can. In my case, I've wanted the same man for months. I want him to like me. To think the things I say are funny. To think my little quirks and tweenage tendencies are endearing. I can't for sure say that he doesn't think those things but most signs point to no. So I find myself thinking of ways to censor myself, so to speak. To adjust my personality to more match up with his. Relationships are all about give and take, about compromise. But that has it's limits.

So here is the question. To what extent is it ok to alter yourself to increase compatibility with a person you are, or could potentially be, with? Is it ok at all? I don't know the answer. I do, however, know that if it is ok, there is definitely a limit. If you lose yourself completely, you're a goner. It's excruciatingly hard to get you back. I know that. I won't let anything go that far. But I do wish there was a clean-cut, straightforward answer. Where the heck are Jimminy Cricket and a good star when you need them in the middle of the day?

There's a lot to be thankful for in this time of thanksgiving and i just need to trust that all will work out in due time. Sometimes, though, that's just good ole fashioned hard.

"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."