I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like

I am frustrated. I was slightly discouraged on Wednesday and since Thursday I've been full-blown frustrated. With life, with other people's behavior, with my own behavior, with reality. I feel like Jo in Little Women when she turns down Laurie's proposal and she just doesn't understand herself. In the end, it turns out she understood herself perfectly and everything happened as it should, but you don't get that until time passes and you can look back. Hindsight is a dangerous thing.  It's amazing the range of emotion one can feel in a week. Sheesh.

I have alot of thoughts. It's why I dream like a mad woman and my sheets are and pillows are strewn everywhere when I get out of bed in the morning. Not for other reasons. Sheesh #2. I'm going to try to organize these thoughts but please have patience. It is a virtue after all.

**Side note (remember the patience), a lady in the coffee shop I'm sitting in just order an Americano with 9 shots of espresso. NINE?! WOW. she is gonna be A-wake. Sorry, commencing side note.**

First topic to tackle. Focus. I have major issues with it. See above side note. It shows up in literally all parts of my life. I was a procrasti-master in college because I couldn't fully focus on any specific task or assignment until it was absolutely imperative that I drop everything and focus hard. My very last college paper (a short story for fiction writing) I wrote in 9 straight hours on the day it was due. 6am-3pm. Due at 4pm. Got an A and my professor emailed me to tell me it was one of his favorite stories from a student in the past few years. Like, what?! Obviously I didn't mention that I literally threw it together that day, but it worked. That was my college career in a nutshell. I work better under pressure. Which means I get things done well, but at the very last possible second. One of my behaviors that frustrates other people alot. Alot alot. Which, in turn, frustrates me because who wants their family, friends and colleagues consistently frustrated with them? Not I, said the procrasti-master.

Currently, this is an issue at work and with the new position I'm moving into, I really need to get a handle on it. Which involves some serious personal change- and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

The second topic I need to tackle ties in with the first topic. My approach to relationships (really, potential relationships, never actual ones). I get attached quickly. I expect alot quickly. I wonder why my attentions are not being reciprocated. I get downtrodden quickly. That's about how it goes. But part of this living big thing I'm trying to do means taking risks and stepping outside the lines, no matter what happens post-outside line stepping. I really did try to take that to heart this week and without going into too much detail (hello, we are on the internet here) I did something that I thought would move a situation in the right direction and after thinking I might have been successful, I was seriously mistaken. Another person's actions or, more accurately, inactions, dramatically increased my frustrations. One day everything was amiable, moving in a friendly direction and the next two days I'm being completely ignored. I'm talking eye-contact made then turning and walking the other direction. Cool. Yeah, NOT. Talk about frustrating and extremely confusing. If I push the subject I look like a crazy obsessed person (which I'm not...or maybe only a little bit..remember that getting attached quickly bit?) who is making WAY more out of a situation than is necessary. If I don't push it, I look like a complete push-over. At least I look that way to myself, and I if can't think highly of myself, how can I expect others to? Sheesh #3.


This third topic is and has been a sore subject but in order to make it real, which it desperately needs to be, I need to put it out there in the world. Even if its just to the one person reading this (love you, bee.tee.dub), it's necessary. The topic is health. Genetically, I kinda got the short (haha) end of the stick when it comes to body type. That's just a fact of my life and I've sort of come to terms with it but what I need to stop doing is using it as an excuse. "Oh, I've gained weight because I have a really slow metabolism and my genetics suck" HAS to stop coming out of my mouth. I've gained weight because I eat too much and essentially stopped exercising. It's not rocket science, it's common sense. The hurdle I have to get over is making health a priority. I keep making health about other things (attraction, social life, etc.) but when push comes to shove its about leading an active, healthy lifestyle. But every time (which is quite often) I think about making a change, it always seems so drastic. And I end up not going through with it. Or I start going through with it and a week later I'm over it. It's not about knowing what to do or how to change, I understand all of this. What I don't know is how to change my perception of the situation. It all comes back to procrastination and focus. How do I make my mind think this is literally the last possible second? That I have a strict deadline I need to meet? Again, I don't know the answer. And I wish someone did know the answer so they could clue me in. Sheesh #4.

Well, that's four "sheesh" moments in one blog post. Must be some sort of record. But that's genuinely how I feel. Life's about figuring all this out. If I didn't have so many sheesh moments I'd be way bored and totally lame. So I guess it at least makes me interesting? A new little hope in its own kind of sad way. Oh well.

This was a whiney post. For that I offer my apologies. Go drink some coffee or something to brighten up your day. I'll do the same :)

"I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like..."

           - the renowned wordsmith, aka rapper, Eminem