It all started on Thursday. I'm going to preface this by noting that I'm a little bit of hypocrite but it stems from those arguably unrealistic beliefs I have about men. Thursdays I play in a social sports league and so does this man who will remain unnamed. Actually, I take that back. We will give him a name. He reminds me in certain ways of the guy who plays Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter movies (who is also in a movie called "Cashback" that is great)....so we'll call him Oliver Wood.
Well, very long story short Oliver Wood cannot make up his mind whether he is interested in me or not. As of late, he has taken to completely ignoring me and it is driving me crazy. The hypocritical part of this is that I seriously don't know how to handle that so I'm just ignoring him too. Well, I'm not really ignoring him, I'm acting like I don't know he's there...but obviously I do. And obviously he knows I'm there too. But doesn't recognize my presence either. Am I just being a stupid girl? Should I initiate recognition/conversation? I have one little mel on my right shoulder saying "grow some balls and just say hi you loser" and another little mel on my left shoulder saying "girl he should say hi to you first, don't even look at him". This past week, I couldn't do it. I punked out. I let my nerves get the better of me. Next week I am determined to just say hi. I'm not asking the guy to marry me, I'm saying hello. Because it's the right thing to do and hopefully it'll make him feel bad for not saying it first and then whatever happens from there happens. But next week is the last week and if I don't I will hate myself.
So then Friday (yesterday), a bombshell was dropped at work and I can't go on vacation in August anymore. I was going to go visit my friends in New York and go to the US Open tennis tournament with my mom but new developments prevent me from being gone then. Which means I don't really have another convenient time to take vacation until Christmas. I'm here to tell ya I will have soooo much time saved up by Christmas it is scary. While admittedly, this should just be a little disappointing and not the end of the world, yesterday I felt like the apocalypse was upon us. I just wanted to be mad (skyward fist shaking...) feel sorry for myself. My mom tried to point out some positives but i was not having it. I don't know what was up with me but I just wanted to be angry for a day. I wasn't saying I was going to stay mad for a long time but I didn't want to calm down and let it go. I wanted to feel the anger. I think feeling the disappointment and anger makes feeling the happiness stronger. Seriously, no one could have convinced me otherwise last night.
So I went to see "Charlie St. Cloud" by myself. Whenever I'm feeling mad/sad/angry/hurt/heartsick/happy/excited, I like to see movies by myself. In the last year, I've probably seen more movies by myself than with other people. Which sounds so lonesome but honestly it is one of my favorite things to do. Occasionally I'll see something funny or animated but mostly I see romantic dramas. I know seeing a love story should make me feel worse when that's not a reality for me, but I take it as a new little hope. People wouldn't write books/movies/plays about love if it didn't exist. It makes me hopeful that it will happen when the time is right.
Anyway, Charlie St. Cloud. Well first of all, it's Zac Efron. How could any woman/gay man not want to see a movie where there is the promise of as much beauty as Zac Efron? Beats the hell outta me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting a Oscar contender here (and sadly it got terrible reviews), but I was expecting a little sappy inspiration and it definitely delivered. The female lead's father dies and at his memorial they use this quote from E.E. Cummings:
"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward."Now, in the movie, they say its about taking risks. I get that, but I get something else out of it. I think it means two things. 1) We have instincts for a reason, follow them. 2) Stay true to the path you feel God has you on. Life will happen to you and around you but as long as you trust the direction you're heading is the right one, all that life will fall into place.
Which leads me back to the guy who plays Oliver Wood in this other movie, "Cashback". I stumbled upon Cashback when perusing Netflix for an impromptu movie experience. I was very pleasantly surprised. I watched this movie about a year ago and the ending quote to the movie has stuck with me ever since. It's relatively cryptic but it makes so much sense to me.
"Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away between the seconds of your life."In other words, grow some balls and say hi to him you loser. Ding ding ding! On the right shoulder, little mel for the win! Yep, we've got the wisdom in us- scratch that, God put the wisdom is us- we just have to trust that the direction we're going is the right one. Instincts, man. Instincts.
So I went to sleep last night still trying to process everything and then I awoke to a call from my sister. 1) It was a call, period-- she NEVER calls me. 2) It was a happy call, she just wanted to chat about her tennis matches and what's going on in life. So that was really nice. Then, I looked at my fish bowl and realized my beloved Napoleon Bonaparte has breathed his last underwater breath. :( :( :( :( He was such a good fish. And I will miss him dearly. He kept me company for my first year out of college and for that I will forever be grateful. RIP Nappy B.
Ok, off to go have some fun tonight. Church tomorrow and back to the grind on Monday. Pontificating on life. Apparently that's my thing now. Feel it, adjust to it, keep chuggin along.
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