Live Big

Ok, I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm really, honestly not looking for pity with this subject. It's a part of my life and that's what I'm endeavoring to write truthfully about. So here goes.

While I generally consider myself a flexible, open-minded person, there are some things that I just straight-up believe and that's that. You won't change my mind so don't waste your breath, words or actions. A few of these beliefs center on men/relationships. And I guess these beliefs have made me unlucky in matters of the heart in my 23 years 5 months and 13 days. I know, I know, 23?? I'm young! True. But I think it's unfair to say that at the tender age of 23 I can't long for a loving, meaningful companionship.

I believe I have truly been in love once. I have been in love(ish) several times. You know, where while you're in the midst of it/them you are totally convinced but then once you're removed from the situation you go, well, guess not..? Unfortunately, my love and love(ish) have never been returned in any form other than great friendships.  Which I have no regrets about. None at all. I'm lucky to know these people in any capacity and anything more than friendship would have been something resembling an act of divinity. But why no act of divinity?

That's really a rhetorical question. Whatever God has planned, he has planned, and it will come when it comes. But my human nature, rational mind and hopeful heart can't help but wonder when it will happen and why hasn't it happened yet.

I feel like I am so ready for it. But the fact that it hasn't happened yet means God (who knows me way better than I know me) knows I'm not. Well, what the heck?! Why do I feel like it if I'm not?

Belief: I will only seriously date and then marry one man. I am absolutely convinced of that. I've felt this for a very long time. I don't want to have dated a bunch of dudes but I just wonder why I would have such strong feelings for these men if they weren't the right ones? If i had that magnitude of emotion for men I'm not meant to be with, DANG. What is it gonna feel like when I do finally find the right one?? Ho-lyyyyy cow.

But here's the conundrum: do I keep looking and hoping I'll find it or is he just going to be handed to me when it's time? Yes, God is really in charge, but this is a partnership. We've gotta work for it. Show Him we're willing to do whatever he needs of us. If I could just get a twitter mention from the big man every so often pushing me in the right direction, that would be most excellent. hahaha :) oh, social media. how i love thee.

I'm not discouraged, I'm just trying to draw on a well of patience that seems to be draining, slowly but surely. Thankfully, I have many things to look forward to in the coming months involving incredible family and friends and they will help me go with the flow. To relax and let it be.

I'll leave you with this. I watched the movie Tuck Everlasting last night. I loved the book and I loved the movie and I haven't watched it in years. It's a poignant sentiment about love, loss and time. The last words in the movie:

"Don't fear death, but rather the un-lived life." 

 So instead of fearing when, what and why, I'm going to live. I'm going to live big.