New Little Hopes

This most ambiguous of titles sums up my life in quite a few ways. The term "New Little Hopes" comes from the first paragraph of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover.

"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."

This paragraph speaks to me on a level that defies the physical and even the emotional world. It is truth. It is an undeniable truth that literally, everyday, somewhere in the world there is something falling apart, diminishing or being forgotten amongst other things humanly deemed more important. Bear with me here as I evangelize a little bit but from a christian standpoint, there is no obstacle greater to shoulder than that of God and Jesus in creating a loving, compassionate and moralistic humankind. There is no smooth road and many a sky have fallen. But the journey continues. The tragedy presses on in pursuit of those new little hopes; those signs, senses and sometimes even miracles that serve as a reminder of what we are really living for.

So, I've been trying to find the new little hopes in my life and to be the new little hopes for others. Some great and some seemingly not so great events have happened over the past month in my life and I'm finding there's always a blessing hidden within the ruins.

First, about a month ago, my parents decided to do a 6-month trial separation. It's been a bumpy road along the way and really it was only a matter of "when", so the shock value is basically gone. Don't get it twisted, I'm not a fan of this, but when something has to change it has to change. Simple as that. And they are trying to make that change the only way they have left. So I'm supporting it. And trying to support both of them. My dad actually moved to San Antonio where I live so the new little hope there is that he and I will be able to develop our bond further and learn from each other. The obstacle is trying to also include my mom, spend time with her and show her how much I love her and in turn how much her love means to me. That's life for you, folks. Lifey McLifertons.

Second, as I stated previously, circumstances at work have gone from being new little hopes to a brand new position. I'm not replacing anyone, it's not temporary, they created this position for me. It will be RATHER hard work and there will be no lack of obstacles, but I firmly believe it will be worth it in the end. And I get a whole new department of people to work with which will be super fun for an unabashed socializer like me :)

Lastly, I spent this past 4th of July weekend with some completely wonderful people in Austin. I'm originally from Austin and didn't want to go to UT so left to go to college. Being a bit older and more poised to appreciate all that Austin has to offer, it is becoming harder and harder for me to leave each time; especially now that Austin is offering amazing friendships.

Now, I've never really had an issue making friends in general, but making genuine, steadfast friends eluded me all throughout high school. By that, I mean I had some good friends in high school but the connection did not last afterwards. I've made some stellar friends in college, and now even after college I've made some irreplaceable girlfriends, but it was always a deep source of inner turmoil, wondering why I couldn't find people like me or willing to fully accept me. I found myself questioning who I was, what made me happy and why those things made me happy.

As a perfect example, I love Disney. Anything and everything. You can say whatever you want but I will never stop believing in the romanticized notion of true love and possibility that Disney has cultivated. It makes me happy. And I won't apologize for belting out "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast on the lawn of Barton Springs. Because it's beautiful, and it means something and that something is open to interpretation and feeling and inspiration and further creation. So what if it's a movie intended for children? An unadulterated whimsical expression of hope is a force to be reckoned with. I like to think i can wield that force should the opportunity present itself. In this post-college life, I have, rather serendipitously found two people that I believe share this same conviction. Disney-lovin is just one example of the many ways I relate to my new hopes in the form of friends. They have given me the new little hope that I am fine. That yes there will be tragedy and yes there will be obstacles and yes the ruins may get a little too close for comfort, but we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. And those hopes will make us better people. They will, I just know it.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.