Curve Balls

Sometimes life throws you a serious curve ball....or six. I really hate being super emo and whiney but you're gonna have to bear with me on this one. It's been a tough couple of weeks and while I've been trying my darndest to stay positive, it's really hard today. In my last post I wrote about how I was looking for a new place to live. Well the next weekend after that post, I found it. And my life has been riddled with issues ever since.

The Main House

I moved into a house that had been converted into units about a decade ago. The house hadn't really been kept up and over the course of the past 2 years, the current owners have re-done a lot of it and pretended like they'd re-done a lot of it. What do I mean by that? I mean they completely renovated the bottom floor and slapped a couple new layers of paint and flooring on the 2nd floor units to make it look like they'd completely renovated those as well. The problem is, they hadn't. Even the landlord thought they had. So here I am, 3 weeks into this now and my housemate and I are dealing with power outtages every 2 hours. And this is just the latest and largest problem I've had to figure out a solution for in the past month. Recounting every single problem would take far too long. I've been amazingly patient about things getting done/fixed and now I'm just upset.

It seems nothing can get done until I get angry. Why is please not enough anymore? I keep asking nicely and nothing gets done. I lose my temper and it gets done in 24 hours. I DO NOT want to get into a habit of thinking that anger is the only way to affect any change or action from the people around me. It's unhealthy and something I'd like to minimize in my life. I know what it looks like to let anger control you and I am determined for that to not be my story.

I'm upset because even now that we've come to a point where a serious decision about further renovations needs to be made no matter what, they are trying to get rid of me so they don't have to deal with it. People, I am here to tell you, NO ONE is going to live in an apartment where they are told there might not be electricity from time to time and pay what the management is asking in rent right now. It is LUDICROUS. And I don't want them to be let off the hook this easy. They screwed up and they need to take responsibility for it. Why is it so difficult for grown adults to act like it? I am 23 years old and have more self-responsibility and maturity than half the people I come across that are 10+ years older than me. That is a sickeningly tragic truth.

To Change or Not to Change

That is the question. It is a question women ask themselves on an almost daily basis about their relationships and potential relationships. I am totally honest with my friends. They know who I am, what I like and where I'm willing/unwilling to budge. That is how it should be. They are my friends because they accept those things about me and I about them. It is a complete 180 degree difference when it comes to men. For whatever psychological reason, women change themselves sometimes dramatically to attract/appease a man they want/already have. I've always held to my belief that he will come when he comes and he will want me for me.

Unfortunately, we women are irrational. We justify our thoughts and behaviors in any way we can. In my case, I've wanted the same man for months. I want him to like me. To think the things I say are funny. To think my little quirks and tweenage tendencies are endearing. I can't for sure say that he doesn't think those things but most signs point to no. So I find myself thinking of ways to censor myself, so to speak. To adjust my personality to more match up with his. Relationships are all about give and take, about compromise. But that has it's limits.

So here is the question. To what extent is it ok to alter yourself to increase compatibility with a person you are, or could potentially be, with? Is it ok at all? I don't know the answer. I do, however, know that if it is ok, there is definitely a limit. If you lose yourself completely, you're a goner. It's excruciatingly hard to get you back. I know that. I won't let anything go that far. But I do wish there was a clean-cut, straightforward answer. Where the heck are Jimminy Cricket and a good star when you need them in the middle of the day?

There's a lot to be thankful for in this time of thanksgiving and i just need to trust that all will work out in due time. Sometimes, though, that's just good ole fashioned hard.

"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."

Autumn Wishes

Well my dears it is 100% officially autumn. It's in the 80s now and while that does not sound like cool weather, compared to the sweltering 90s and 100s that Texans endure through approximately 7 months of the year, 80s are a more than welcomed change. First day of autumn I wore boots and a scarf. I told people I was willing fall weather to come faster with my clothing choices. Um, it totally worked. Take that, haters.

Things have been going pretty well throughout September. Still loving my hair. However, September 30 is the end of the fiscal year which means the government has been frantically trying to spend the last of the FY10 money. AKA- contractor HELL. I worked a crap-ton of hours the last two weeks because we had to get all of these proposals out. But that means we get a day off next week which is killer. I love feeling appreciated. Like all of my extra time spent was recognized. Ahhh, so thats what this feels like...i think id like to stay here for a while...

In other news, I am actively looking for a new place to live. I'm ready for something different. Less commercial. More personal. Less enormous. More unique. And I think I've found it. It's in an old mansion that was converted into apartments. It's called "Castle Arms". I'm calling it the Castle. It has a spire. Goal: make friends with the person who lives in the flying buttress. My dad found it on a more obsure apartment search website and we drove by and called the man. He had just rented it that day to someone who was living in a smaller unit in the same building. Therefore, the unit that person was moving out of is now available and I WANT IT. It is so adorable and unique and inexpensive for what I think I would get. Great neighborhood, the whole nine yards. It has a nook AND a loft! And a huge bedroom. I'm going to see it on Thursday because the woman living there now is moving into her new unit on Wednesday. I would have to give written notice to my current complex on Friday so if I see it and love it I'm making a decision on Thursday. What I'm most excited about at the moment is being in this place for Christmas. The nook is PERFECT for my christmas tree!!!!!!! I am so unabashedly in love with fall and winter holidays. 4th of July? America is cool and all but don't care about that holiday. Valentine's Day? Love is cool and all but I don't care about that holiday either. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's? BEST THREE MONTHS OF THE YEAR.

I bought three pairs of fall shoes at Target yesterday. I shouldn't have. But I did. Because they are fantastical and I wanted them. I know I have too many shoes already. So sue me.

I'm house-sitting for Amy's new puppy Roxy next weekend so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm gonna take her to the Men's ITAs on Saturday. That'll be fun. Everyone loves puppies.

Well that's all for today folks. Feelin pretty good. Over and out!

Sigh of Relief

We're closing in on a month without a post here and it's high time I continued this habit. This past weekend was labor day weekend and that means I just had my big presentation at work yesterday. I've been quite busy the past few weekends and obviously during the week trying to prepare for this presentation. I've had a roller coaster of emotion about this presentation for quite a few reasons.

Basically, I had to give this presentation to all the executives in my company. Yeah, no pressure. Thankfully, I've spoken to them plenty of times before from running meetings but still, this was a pretty substantial topic to present on and a relatively HUGE undertaking for 3 weeks of preparation and only 4 weeks even in my new position. ANYWAY, i went from feeling as if I'd been thrown out in the cold, to feeling I had so much help and I'd be fine, to feeling like I was the bomb and knew everything ever and back to feeling like I was an American toddler trying to speak perfect Chinese. 

Well it was yesterday it was in the midst of Tropical Storm Hermine tearing through San Antonio. Cue FIVE POWER OUTAGES DURING MY POWERPOINT PRESENTATION. Yes, 5. The first two were funny, the third was a little annoying and the fourth and fifth were downright angering. I mean, REALLY Hermine? Really? What kind of name is Hermine anyway?  Put an "o" in your name and be a character from Harry Potter for goodness sakes. It's one lousy letter. Maybe then I could at least respect you. Hermine? No. Get outta town. Literally.

Outside of Hermine's RUDE interruptions, my overall presentation went very well. Regardless of whether or not they actually think I did a good job, they told me I did and seemed genuinely impressed. I really have no way of knowing because they are all rooting for me to do well and most of them have this "parent/child" dynamic with me. I think this has both good and bad to it but I'm just going to focus on the good part. Unfortunately, I think the stress of it all did a number on my immune system and I'm pretty sick today.  But honestly, that's a price I'm willing to pay for the crazy amount of effort I put in and the rewards/opportunities I'll hopefully reap from it. 

*Sigh of Relief*

On a completely different note, I'm lovin the hair! I know I was still pretty skeptical of it last time I wrote...which to be fair was only on day 2 and I was still very much getting used to it. It's lightened up some and while my blondie roots are starting to show, I think I'm going to keep it dark (or at least darker than my natural platinum) for the fall/winter. Come spring we'll see how I feel about it but I just want to go through a cold season with dark hair and see how it works. My experiment has delivered some VERY interesting findings though. I wanted to see if the blonde hair coupled with the shortness/overall young look was making people treat me younger. 

Key Findings:

1. People who have known me for a long time/know me really well don't treat me any differently at all.

2. People who know me marginally well or are just acquaintances have treated me slightly differently, slightly more like an adult. As in, well maybe she is more mature than we gave her credit for? 

3. People who are just meeting me are 100% assuming that I'm as old or older than I am. They are noticing my articulation, my style, and my work more than my juvenile appearance. 

Now, please don't misunderstand. I loved my blonde hair. It was a unique quality that not many others had and sometimes I do miss that. I also don't think that just because anyone has blonde hair they are automatically assumed to be immature. This only applies to my specific appearance situation. 

I'm still going to be very busy over the coming 1.5 months. Which is great but will probably be pretty exhausting. Next weekend I'm going to a Dave Matthews Band concert in Dallas with Casen! I'm SO excited. I've only been to one DMB concert and it was at ACL so that doesn't really count. Apparently, there are some peeps who are so dedicated to DMB that they tailgate before concerts. Haha, so we're going to do that and have a blast. The two weekends after that are the fall Trinity tennis tournaments and I love going to support my kiddos so I'll be baking up a storm those weeks to bring them treats :) Then I have a free weekend, then its ACL!! So pumped. My good friend Kenny is coming in from California and we are going to have an incredible time. I already know it. Then one free weekend and then its Trinity Alumni weekend! Then before I know it, it's Halloween and Thanksgiving. Wow. I can't believe we are 2/3 of the way through 2010. 

Well I'm going to use this sick day to its fullest and make an ACL playlist, upload some pictures from labor day weekend in Austin, finish my book and do some painting. Here is one of my faves from the weekend:

Until my next major life event or epiphany.....

Identity

Well, I did it. I dyed my hair brown.  And I've had a roller coaster of opinions (both my own and others) in the past 18 hours. All of which I find completely fascinating because what I really want to know is the truth and I only think I'm getting it halfway. Unfortunately, i think the ones that are being truthful are the ones that don't like it.

But the beauty of it is that it makes no difference if people don't like it. It's not their head. They haven't been living with super blonde hair for 23.5 years. Yes my blonde hair was beautiful, I don't deny it. But I needed a change and nobody but nobody was going to stop me.

Here's how it went.

All day on Friday, it was literally all I could think about. I was telling everyone and harping on about it, basically being really annoying. I think subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) I was trying to gauge how crazy this actually was. I wasn't kidding myself, I knew it was going to be a MAJOR change but I guess I was waiting for someone's comments to really stick and make me go, well maybe this is a bad idea. But that never happened. Plenty of people were befuddled that I would want to change my beautiful blonde hair but no one was convincing enough to make me change my decision.

I left work and drove over to the salon and met April. SO cute. Made me comfortable right from the beginning and she was my last test. I'd already told her that I wanted to go brown and I was a natural virgin (haha) blonde but I also knew that she wouldn't expect me to be as blonde as I was.  And I was right, she didn't expect it. But here's the kicker. Instead of going, are you sure you want to do this? She said, I think it will look stunning. You will be a gorgeous brunette. Done. We went through different color swatches to find a color that would compliment my skin and eyes and wouldn't be too drastic. Ultimately, I think we may have gone one shade too dark but thats nothing a little mystic tan can't cure. Just call me Snooki.

Anyway, when she started mixing the color she asked me what Pandora station I'd like to listen to and because I've been listening to it recently I told her the John Mayer station. Well, my absolute favorite John Mayer song was first. I could literally feel my heart smiling and my muscles relaxing. Throughout the 2.5 hours I was there (I know, dang.) So many songs that I love and that make me happy played and I felt so good about my decision. It seems like such a silly thing to place so much weight on but I've never heard some of these songs on that station and whether or not this makes any sense, it completely confirmed my decision and no matter the outcome I knew I could make it work.

She put what was supposed to be the only coat on my hair and I had to let it sit for like 20 minutes. BOY it was dark with the paste on. Not gonna lie, a quick "oh sh*!" went through my mind. But another awesome song came on and I let it go. Well when she washed it out and started cutting, it started drying and holy cow I was a red-head. Violet-head is more like it. It was like a purpley-redish brownish mop. This is funny because as we were going through the color swatches I kept saying, I really don't want red, I really don't want red. Good one. I think she could see the shock and awe on my face and promptly decided we needed another rinse to bring it down to more brown than red. Good thinking, April. So she finished cutting and it looked adorable and then she colored it again and as I said before I think it went one shade too dark but its no longer violet. So she finished shaping the cut and rolly brush blow-dried and voila! Hello, my name is Melissa, nice to meet you.

Although I left the salon SO happy with everything I was still terrified that I would wake up this morning and have a meltdown. Well, I was close but no cigar. I kind of avoided the mirrors in my apartment for the first hour I was awake. Then I ventured over. Well with no makeup and looking sleepy, it was a scary sight hahaha. I mean I probably look like that alot but the darkness of my hair made it more pronounced. Last night, someone compared it to when Mandy Moore and Reese Witherspoon dyed their hair brown (Mandy for life, Reese for movie roles). So I went online and looked up pictures of them as blondes and brunettes and it made me feel better. Really, I just need to stay mildly tan and it will look great. Hilary Duff is another good example from really blonde to medium dark brown.

Brunette Mandy Moore

Blonde Mandy Moore

Through all of this I'm trying to prove/ have come to some conclusions that personal identity is a very interesting conundrum. When I posted a picture of the finished product yesterday evening on facebook and twitter, I got quite a few comments that said "Who are you?". Well, what do you mean? I'm still Mel. I'm still the exact same person. I just changed my hair color. My blonde hair did not define me. Yes, I'm sure that some of my personality traits were developed because I looked young and fun and innocent and that's how people treated me. I did not make this change in order to justify changing myself as a person. I'm still me and will continue to be no matter what color my hair happens to be. Lord knows  I will change my mind again. For now, for better or worse, I am content and will try my darndest to drown out those who don't have positive things to say about it.  For those of you who have told me you like it, love it or think it looks great, I thank you. Whether you are being truthful or not, I don't much care. For those of you who don't like it, lie to me. Just lie right through your teeth and tell me it looks stellar. Many thanks.

Hahaha on a side note, and we all know I love side notes, I'm writing this in Olmos Perk (duh) and a guy who is usually here about the same time as me on Saturdays just did a very dramatic double take, pointed at his hair and gave me a thumbs up. Thanks man, I appreciate the support.

In other news, one week down in my new position at work. It's going well, ultimately my success will depend on repetition so only time will tell. I'm staying optimistic.

Currently listening: "The Devil's Tears" by Angus and Julia Stone

Hustle & Flo

Today concludes my 11 months and 2 weeks in my first real job. That's kind of a big deal. Similar to Ron Burgundy. Freaks me out a little. I've been lucky enough to have a good job when so many people do not. Not gonna lie though, I'm leaving this position grateful but completely ready to move on. And my next position is going to be far from a cake walk but it's something new, interesting, challenging and worthwhile. Which is right up my alley at the moment.

It's right up my alley because for whatever reason I'm leaning right into change. I want it to happen. I'm ready to make some changes when normally I shy away from it. Historically, I haven't transitioned well. My mind and body both react negatively to major changes in circumstance or mindset. I think to an extent I'm still reacting negatively, but just in a "I want to do something totally crazy" way instead of a "im terrified, can i sink farther under these covers?" way. Weird.

But fret-not dear ones, my crazy is way less crazy than most people's crazy. My crazy means dying my hair brown. Which I haven't done yet but definitely have a mind to do come my hair appointment one week from today. As a natural blonde going on 24 years, that's pretty big. For someone who had hairdressers gasp at the color of her hair for years, going brown is almost sac-religious. Like I said. Crazy. Don't care. I'm doin it anyway.

I've been hustling my butt off for a year and I think I just need a change. And I feel SO compelled to do it. I feel I'm having this desire for a reason and I should follow my heart on this one. I'll definitely post a picture once I do it. AHHHHHHH.

Like I feel compelled to dye my hair brown, Liz Gilbert felt compelled to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia in "Eat, Pray, Love". I'm reading EPL right now after having tried once before and making it about half way through. I'm in a completely different place now than when I tried to read it before and I think it resonates much more with me now. In accordance with that, I just won tickets to a sneak preview of the movie for Wednesday! I'm really excited because it seems like its going to actually be a great transition from book to movie.

The trailer for the movie features the song "Dog Days are Over" by the band Florence + The Machine. It is such an uplifting, boppy, beautiful song and I just can't get enough of it or her right now. Her music is putting me in a better place. She uses harp in her band and it is so gorgeous. A specific choreographer on one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance, keeps choreographing to her music too so I'm just surrounded by Flo.

I'm currently in Houston Hobby airport waiting for my flight back to San Antonio from being in New Orleans visiting my family for the weekend. I was literally in New Orleans for 40 hours because like I said previously I really can't afford to take any vacation now when I have so much to learn at work. Anyway, it was a good trip but definitely sad. My last living grandparent, my Dad's father, is 90. He is now at the age where his deterioration will start moving much more rapidly. In the 8 months since the last trip I made to New Orleans, things have gotten progressively worse. He has Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's affects each person differently and for my PawPaw, his short term memory is going first. He can give you an extremely detailed play by play of his hitchhiking journeys in the 1940's but he has no idea what year it is now. He can't remember that I graduated from college. But he has 2 great grandchildren that are 5 and 2 and he knows them. It's just a frightening realization that I didn't have to face with any other grandparent. And I can't surpress the guilt that maybe he would know me better if I could see him more often. But when I told him about my job and life he was so excited that I was making my own way. And that all started with him. So that's a new little hope. What I'm doing now will someday be reflected back to me in my grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Lookin forward to it.

If the Seas Catch Fire

So. I'm having to take my own advice bigtime this weekend because I very much feel like shaking my fist at the sky and screaming "whyyyyyyyy???!?" But I won't.

It all started on Thursday. I'm going to preface this by noting that I'm a little bit of hypocrite but it stems from those arguably unrealistic beliefs I have about men. Thursdays I play in a social sports league and so does this man who will remain unnamed. Actually, I take that back. We will give him a name. He reminds me in certain ways of the guy who plays Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter movies (who is also in a movie called "Cashback" that is great)....so we'll call him Oliver Wood. 

Well, very long story short Oliver Wood cannot make up his mind whether he is interested in me or not. As of late, he has taken to completely ignoring me and it is driving me crazy. The hypocritical part of this is that I seriously don't know how to handle that so I'm just ignoring him too. Well, I'm not really ignoring him, I'm acting like I don't know he's there...but obviously I do. And obviously he knows I'm  there too. But doesn't recognize my presence either. Am I just being a stupid girl? Should I initiate recognition/conversation? I have one little mel on my right shoulder saying "grow some balls and just say hi you loser" and another little mel on my left shoulder saying "girl he should say hi to you first, don't even look at him". This past week, I couldn't do it. I punked out. I let my nerves get the better of me. Next week I am determined to just say hi. I'm not asking the guy to marry me, I'm saying hello. Because it's the right thing to do and hopefully it'll make him feel bad for not saying it first and then whatever happens from there happens. But next week is the last week and if I don't I will hate myself.

So then Friday (yesterday), a bombshell was dropped at work and I can't go on vacation in August anymore. I was going to go visit my friends in New York and go to the US Open tennis tournament with my mom but new developments prevent me from being gone then. Which means I don't really have another convenient time to take vacation until Christmas. I'm here to tell ya I will have soooo much time saved up by Christmas it is scary. While admittedly, this should just be a little disappointing and not the end of the world, yesterday I felt like the apocalypse was upon us. I just wanted to be mad (skyward fist shaking...) feel sorry for myself. My mom tried to point out some positives but i was not having it. I don't know what was up with me but I just wanted to be angry for a day. I wasn't saying I was going to stay mad for a long time but I didn't want to calm down and let it go. I wanted to feel the anger. I think feeling the disappointment and anger makes feeling the happiness stronger. Seriously, no one could have convinced me otherwise last night. 

So I went to see "Charlie St. Cloud" by myself. Whenever I'm feeling mad/sad/angry/hurt/heartsick/happy/excited, I like to see movies by myself. In the last year, I've probably seen more movies by myself than with other people. Which sounds so lonesome but honestly it is one of my favorite things to do. Occasionally I'll see something funny or animated but mostly I see romantic dramas. I know seeing a love story should make me feel worse when that's not a reality for me, but I take it as a new little hope. People wouldn't write books/movies/plays about love if it didn't exist. It makes me hopeful that it will happen when the time is right. 

Anyway, Charlie St. Cloud. Well first of all, it's Zac Efron. How could any woman/gay man not want to see a movie where there is the promise of as much beauty as Zac Efron? Beats the hell outta me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting a Oscar contender here (and sadly it got terrible reviews), but I was expecting a little sappy inspiration and it definitely delivered. The female lead's father dies and at his memorial they use this quote from E.E. Cummings:

"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward."

Now, in the movie, they say its about taking risks. I get that, but I get something else out of it. I think it means two things. 1) We have instincts for a reason, follow them. 2) Stay true to the path you feel God has you on. Life will happen to you and around you but as long as you trust the direction you're heading is the right one, all that life will fall into place.

Which leads me back to the guy who plays Oliver Wood in this other movie, "Cashback". I stumbled upon Cashback when perusing Netflix for an impromptu movie experience. I was very pleasantly surprised. I watched this movie about a year ago and the ending quote to the movie has stuck with me ever since. It's relatively cryptic but it makes so much sense to me.

"Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away between the seconds of your life."

In other words, grow some balls and say hi to him you loser. Ding ding ding! On the right shoulder, little mel for the win! Yep, we've got the wisdom in us- scratch that, God put the wisdom is us- we just have to trust that the direction we're going is the right one. Instincts, man. Instincts.

So I went to sleep last night still trying to process everything and then I awoke to a call from my sister. 1) It was a call, period-- she NEVER calls me. 2) It was a happy call, she just wanted to chat about her tennis matches and what's going on in life. So that was really nice. Then, I looked at my fish bowl and realized my beloved Napoleon Bonaparte has breathed his last underwater breath. :( :( :( :( He was such a good fish. And I will miss him dearly. He kept me company for my first year out of college and for that I will forever be grateful. RIP Nappy B.

Ok, off to go have some fun tonight. Church tomorrow and back to the grind on Monday. Pontificating on life. Apparently that's my thing now. Feel it, adjust to it, keep chuggin along.

Orchestral Folk Bliss

I really should be getting ready to sleep but I've a few things on my mind I'd like to share before I forget them and start whatever crazy dream sequence my brain has lined up for tonight's entertainment.

First, Saturday I was kinda feeling bummed out (gee, could you tell?) so I went and got a french manicure and pedicure. Now normally, I'll just get a pedicure but I just found out I got a raise so I went for the whole sha-bang. Well, they started looking terrible on day 3. What the? Day 3? That is completely ridiculous. So I got the idea to get one of the DIY french manicure kits at the grocery store. Turns out, french manicures are NOT my calling. It's a little bit hysterical that I could mess it up this bad. I mean, seriously. This is just silly and comical. And I can't get it to come off. Hahaha. Of course the crappy home kit will last for like a month. Have a look/laugh.

My horrid Do-It-Yourself Nails.

On a completely different note, I want to bring up a topic that haunts me a bit. Well, haunt may be too harsh a descriptor. Irks is better. I want to bring up a topic that irks me a bit. Why do some people keep great friendships from high school and others basically forget anyone they knew in high school? Unfortunately, I am the latter. I literally have zero good friendships that I kept from high school and into college or beyond. I'm the first to admit my high school friendships were not really that strong to begin with, but still. I should've kept at least one good friend, right? And, no, facebook friends don't count. You have to have some activity with someone on facebook within the last year to call them a real life friend. Unwritten facebook rule #1.

But I'm not the only victim of this forgetfulness; a lot of people try to leave high school behind and forge a new identity in college. That's what I did. I have incredible friendships now that have been maintained after college and will continue to be maintained in the years to come...But I still can't help but wonder why this happens and if it is a certain personality type that this happens to. I'm relatively outgoing and pretty darn friendly; so what about me made this no high school connections bit a reality?

Something to ponder. I really don't know the answer. But I'd be interested in any insight :)

On a final note of the night, I made a discovery today. NPR Music. Who KNEW there was such a gem as NPR Music. I'm currently listening to one of the artists they're highlighting before their album comes out in August. They are called Lost in the Trees and they call their music "orchestral folk". Could they be more up my alley? No. The answer is no. I am in love. I've also discovered Kelli Scarr. She collaborated a bunch with Moby and now she's releasing her debut album called "Pieces" and her sound is exquisite. She has a beautiful voice that has a hint of that whisper quality to it and I just melted. I think I tweeted "enjoying an evening of orchestral folk bliss". Yep, that about sums it up, folks.

Sweet Dreams! Or crazy ones...I'm not trying to discriminate.   All types of dreamers are welcome here.

Dream a little dream of me....

I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like

I am frustrated. I was slightly discouraged on Wednesday and since Thursday I've been full-blown frustrated. With life, with other people's behavior, with my own behavior, with reality. I feel like Jo in Little Women when she turns down Laurie's proposal and she just doesn't understand herself. In the end, it turns out she understood herself perfectly and everything happened as it should, but you don't get that until time passes and you can look back. Hindsight is a dangerous thing.  It's amazing the range of emotion one can feel in a week. Sheesh.

I have alot of thoughts. It's why I dream like a mad woman and my sheets are and pillows are strewn everywhere when I get out of bed in the morning. Not for other reasons. Sheesh #2. I'm going to try to organize these thoughts but please have patience. It is a virtue after all.

**Side note (remember the patience), a lady in the coffee shop I'm sitting in just order an Americano with 9 shots of espresso. NINE?! WOW. she is gonna be A-wake. Sorry, commencing side note.**

First topic to tackle. Focus. I have major issues with it. See above side note. It shows up in literally all parts of my life. I was a procrasti-master in college because I couldn't fully focus on any specific task or assignment until it was absolutely imperative that I drop everything and focus hard. My very last college paper (a short story for fiction writing) I wrote in 9 straight hours on the day it was due. 6am-3pm. Due at 4pm. Got an A and my professor emailed me to tell me it was one of his favorite stories from a student in the past few years. Like, what?! Obviously I didn't mention that I literally threw it together that day, but it worked. That was my college career in a nutshell. I work better under pressure. Which means I get things done well, but at the very last possible second. One of my behaviors that frustrates other people alot. Alot alot. Which, in turn, frustrates me because who wants their family, friends and colleagues consistently frustrated with them? Not I, said the procrasti-master.

Currently, this is an issue at work and with the new position I'm moving into, I really need to get a handle on it. Which involves some serious personal change- and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

The second topic I need to tackle ties in with the first topic. My approach to relationships (really, potential relationships, never actual ones). I get attached quickly. I expect alot quickly. I wonder why my attentions are not being reciprocated. I get downtrodden quickly. That's about how it goes. But part of this living big thing I'm trying to do means taking risks and stepping outside the lines, no matter what happens post-outside line stepping. I really did try to take that to heart this week and without going into too much detail (hello, we are on the internet here) I did something that I thought would move a situation in the right direction and after thinking I might have been successful, I was seriously mistaken. Another person's actions or, more accurately, inactions, dramatically increased my frustrations. One day everything was amiable, moving in a friendly direction and the next two days I'm being completely ignored. I'm talking eye-contact made then turning and walking the other direction. Cool. Yeah, NOT. Talk about frustrating and extremely confusing. If I push the subject I look like a crazy obsessed person (which I'm not...or maybe only a little bit..remember that getting attached quickly bit?) who is making WAY more out of a situation than is necessary. If I don't push it, I look like a complete push-over. At least I look that way to myself, and I if can't think highly of myself, how can I expect others to? Sheesh #3.


This third topic is and has been a sore subject but in order to make it real, which it desperately needs to be, I need to put it out there in the world. Even if its just to the one person reading this (love you, bee.tee.dub), it's necessary. The topic is health. Genetically, I kinda got the short (haha) end of the stick when it comes to body type. That's just a fact of my life and I've sort of come to terms with it but what I need to stop doing is using it as an excuse. "Oh, I've gained weight because I have a really slow metabolism and my genetics suck" HAS to stop coming out of my mouth. I've gained weight because I eat too much and essentially stopped exercising. It's not rocket science, it's common sense. The hurdle I have to get over is making health a priority. I keep making health about other things (attraction, social life, etc.) but when push comes to shove its about leading an active, healthy lifestyle. But every time (which is quite often) I think about making a change, it always seems so drastic. And I end up not going through with it. Or I start going through with it and a week later I'm over it. It's not about knowing what to do or how to change, I understand all of this. What I don't know is how to change my perception of the situation. It all comes back to procrastination and focus. How do I make my mind think this is literally the last possible second? That I have a strict deadline I need to meet? Again, I don't know the answer. And I wish someone did know the answer so they could clue me in. Sheesh #4.

Well, that's four "sheesh" moments in one blog post. Must be some sort of record. But that's genuinely how I feel. Life's about figuring all this out. If I didn't have so many sheesh moments I'd be way bored and totally lame. So I guess it at least makes me interesting? A new little hope in its own kind of sad way. Oh well.

This was a whiney post. For that I offer my apologies. Go drink some coffee or something to brighten up your day. I'll do the same :)

"I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like..."

           - the renowned wordsmith, aka rapper, Eminem

Live Big

Ok, I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm really, honestly not looking for pity with this subject. It's a part of my life and that's what I'm endeavoring to write truthfully about. So here goes.

While I generally consider myself a flexible, open-minded person, there are some things that I just straight-up believe and that's that. You won't change my mind so don't waste your breath, words or actions. A few of these beliefs center on men/relationships. And I guess these beliefs have made me unlucky in matters of the heart in my 23 years 5 months and 13 days. I know, I know, 23?? I'm young! True. But I think it's unfair to say that at the tender age of 23 I can't long for a loving, meaningful companionship.

I believe I have truly been in love once. I have been in love(ish) several times. You know, where while you're in the midst of it/them you are totally convinced but then once you're removed from the situation you go, well, guess not..? Unfortunately, my love and love(ish) have never been returned in any form other than great friendships.  Which I have no regrets about. None at all. I'm lucky to know these people in any capacity and anything more than friendship would have been something resembling an act of divinity. But why no act of divinity?

That's really a rhetorical question. Whatever God has planned, he has planned, and it will come when it comes. But my human nature, rational mind and hopeful heart can't help but wonder when it will happen and why hasn't it happened yet.

I feel like I am so ready for it. But the fact that it hasn't happened yet means God (who knows me way better than I know me) knows I'm not. Well, what the heck?! Why do I feel like it if I'm not?

Belief: I will only seriously date and then marry one man. I am absolutely convinced of that. I've felt this for a very long time. I don't want to have dated a bunch of dudes but I just wonder why I would have such strong feelings for these men if they weren't the right ones? If i had that magnitude of emotion for men I'm not meant to be with, DANG. What is it gonna feel like when I do finally find the right one?? Ho-lyyyyy cow.

But here's the conundrum: do I keep looking and hoping I'll find it or is he just going to be handed to me when it's time? Yes, God is really in charge, but this is a partnership. We've gotta work for it. Show Him we're willing to do whatever he needs of us. If I could just get a twitter mention from the big man every so often pushing me in the right direction, that would be most excellent. hahaha :) oh, social media. how i love thee.

I'm not discouraged, I'm just trying to draw on a well of patience that seems to be draining, slowly but surely. Thankfully, I have many things to look forward to in the coming months involving incredible family and friends and they will help me go with the flow. To relax and let it be.

I'll leave you with this. I watched the movie Tuck Everlasting last night. I loved the book and I loved the movie and I haven't watched it in years. It's a poignant sentiment about love, loss and time. The last words in the movie:

"Don't fear death, but rather the un-lived life." 

 So instead of fearing when, what and why, I'm going to live. I'm going to live big.

New Little Hopes

This most ambiguous of titles sums up my life in quite a few ways. The term "New Little Hopes" comes from the first paragraph of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover.

"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."

This paragraph speaks to me on a level that defies the physical and even the emotional world. It is truth. It is an undeniable truth that literally, everyday, somewhere in the world there is something falling apart, diminishing or being forgotten amongst other things humanly deemed more important. Bear with me here as I evangelize a little bit but from a christian standpoint, there is no obstacle greater to shoulder than that of God and Jesus in creating a loving, compassionate and moralistic humankind. There is no smooth road and many a sky have fallen. But the journey continues. The tragedy presses on in pursuit of those new little hopes; those signs, senses and sometimes even miracles that serve as a reminder of what we are really living for.

So, I've been trying to find the new little hopes in my life and to be the new little hopes for others. Some great and some seemingly not so great events have happened over the past month in my life and I'm finding there's always a blessing hidden within the ruins.

First, about a month ago, my parents decided to do a 6-month trial separation. It's been a bumpy road along the way and really it was only a matter of "when", so the shock value is basically gone. Don't get it twisted, I'm not a fan of this, but when something has to change it has to change. Simple as that. And they are trying to make that change the only way they have left. So I'm supporting it. And trying to support both of them. My dad actually moved to San Antonio where I live so the new little hope there is that he and I will be able to develop our bond further and learn from each other. The obstacle is trying to also include my mom, spend time with her and show her how much I love her and in turn how much her love means to me. That's life for you, folks. Lifey McLifertons.

Second, as I stated previously, circumstances at work have gone from being new little hopes to a brand new position. I'm not replacing anyone, it's not temporary, they created this position for me. It will be RATHER hard work and there will be no lack of obstacles, but I firmly believe it will be worth it in the end. And I get a whole new department of people to work with which will be super fun for an unabashed socializer like me :)

Lastly, I spent this past 4th of July weekend with some completely wonderful people in Austin. I'm originally from Austin and didn't want to go to UT so left to go to college. Being a bit older and more poised to appreciate all that Austin has to offer, it is becoming harder and harder for me to leave each time; especially now that Austin is offering amazing friendships.

Now, I've never really had an issue making friends in general, but making genuine, steadfast friends eluded me all throughout high school. By that, I mean I had some good friends in high school but the connection did not last afterwards. I've made some stellar friends in college, and now even after college I've made some irreplaceable girlfriends, but it was always a deep source of inner turmoil, wondering why I couldn't find people like me or willing to fully accept me. I found myself questioning who I was, what made me happy and why those things made me happy.

As a perfect example, I love Disney. Anything and everything. You can say whatever you want but I will never stop believing in the romanticized notion of true love and possibility that Disney has cultivated. It makes me happy. And I won't apologize for belting out "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast on the lawn of Barton Springs. Because it's beautiful, and it means something and that something is open to interpretation and feeling and inspiration and further creation. So what if it's a movie intended for children? An unadulterated whimsical expression of hope is a force to be reckoned with. I like to think i can wield that force should the opportunity present itself. In this post-college life, I have, rather serendipitously found two people that I believe share this same conviction. Disney-lovin is just one example of the many ways I relate to my new hopes in the form of friends. They have given me the new little hope that I am fine. That yes there will be tragedy and yes there will be obstacles and yes the ruins may get a little too close for comfort, but we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. And those hopes will make us better people. They will, I just know it.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

Long Time No See

I've not made a post on here since February and that's because I started using Tumblr. I like Tumblr, don't get me wrong but I haven't used it either in about 2 months. Something has brought me back into the world of Blogger. Don't ask me what that something is because I have no frickin idea. I think I dreamt about it last night. So I decided, what they hey I'll give it another shot.

If you'd like to take a gander at what I've posted on Tumblr: http://melweinnig.tumblr.com

Speaking of dreams. Mine make me think my brain is missing a bolt because its just nuts. My dreams feature one person from each part of my life (SA, Austin, work, family, etc.) and we are always in a random location and I'm always doing things I don't do in real life. Like dirty things. People keep telling me oh its repressed feelings blah blah blah but I think that's B to the S. I think it means something deeper but I have not a clue what. I do have to say I am always entertained though...not a dull moment in the life of Dream Mel.

Oh well. At least I'm sleeping right? That's an improvement from some of my previous posts almost a year ago. Wait, back up. A year ago? Oh that's right, I used to be a jobless loser insomniac. I will have been at my current job for a year in the middle of August. This is big. I'm getting a new position in a few weeks because basically I kick lots of corporate ass and take names. Well, sort of. That may be a bit of an embellishment but screw it, I've done a pretty killer job. And it got noticed. Which is all the recognition I need. Excuse me for a minute....WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!....ok, sorry about that, moving on.

I feel I've sufficiently restarted my journey on Blogger. Until next time....whenever that may be :)

Back in the Game

Well, hi. Yes, it's been a whopping 6 months since I've written. Needless to say, many things have happened in those 6 months. Notably, that horrible job I was talking about quitting. Quit. And found a new one, where I have been for almost 6 months. I started on August 24th. It is light-years better than the Wyndham job and I couldn't be more thankful for it.