I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like

I am frustrated. I was slightly discouraged on Wednesday and since Thursday I've been full-blown frustrated. With life, with other people's behavior, with my own behavior, with reality. I feel like Jo in Little Women when she turns down Laurie's proposal and she just doesn't understand herself. In the end, it turns out she understood herself perfectly and everything happened as it should, but you don't get that until time passes and you can look back. Hindsight is a dangerous thing.  It's amazing the range of emotion one can feel in a week. Sheesh.

I have alot of thoughts. It's why I dream like a mad woman and my sheets are and pillows are strewn everywhere when I get out of bed in the morning. Not for other reasons. Sheesh #2. I'm going to try to organize these thoughts but please have patience. It is a virtue after all.

**Side note (remember the patience), a lady in the coffee shop I'm sitting in just order an Americano with 9 shots of espresso. NINE?! WOW. she is gonna be A-wake. Sorry, commencing side note.**

First topic to tackle. Focus. I have major issues with it. See above side note. It shows up in literally all parts of my life. I was a procrasti-master in college because I couldn't fully focus on any specific task or assignment until it was absolutely imperative that I drop everything and focus hard. My very last college paper (a short story for fiction writing) I wrote in 9 straight hours on the day it was due. 6am-3pm. Due at 4pm. Got an A and my professor emailed me to tell me it was one of his favorite stories from a student in the past few years. Like, what?! Obviously I didn't mention that I literally threw it together that day, but it worked. That was my college career in a nutshell. I work better under pressure. Which means I get things done well, but at the very last possible second. One of my behaviors that frustrates other people alot. Alot alot. Which, in turn, frustrates me because who wants their family, friends and colleagues consistently frustrated with them? Not I, said the procrasti-master.

Currently, this is an issue at work and with the new position I'm moving into, I really need to get a handle on it. Which involves some serious personal change- and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

The second topic I need to tackle ties in with the first topic. My approach to relationships (really, potential relationships, never actual ones). I get attached quickly. I expect alot quickly. I wonder why my attentions are not being reciprocated. I get downtrodden quickly. That's about how it goes. But part of this living big thing I'm trying to do means taking risks and stepping outside the lines, no matter what happens post-outside line stepping. I really did try to take that to heart this week and without going into too much detail (hello, we are on the internet here) I did something that I thought would move a situation in the right direction and after thinking I might have been successful, I was seriously mistaken. Another person's actions or, more accurately, inactions, dramatically increased my frustrations. One day everything was amiable, moving in a friendly direction and the next two days I'm being completely ignored. I'm talking eye-contact made then turning and walking the other direction. Cool. Yeah, NOT. Talk about frustrating and extremely confusing. If I push the subject I look like a crazy obsessed person (which I'm not...or maybe only a little bit..remember that getting attached quickly bit?) who is making WAY more out of a situation than is necessary. If I don't push it, I look like a complete push-over. At least I look that way to myself, and I if can't think highly of myself, how can I expect others to? Sheesh #3.


This third topic is and has been a sore subject but in order to make it real, which it desperately needs to be, I need to put it out there in the world. Even if its just to the one person reading this (love you, bee.tee.dub), it's necessary. The topic is health. Genetically, I kinda got the short (haha) end of the stick when it comes to body type. That's just a fact of my life and I've sort of come to terms with it but what I need to stop doing is using it as an excuse. "Oh, I've gained weight because I have a really slow metabolism and my genetics suck" HAS to stop coming out of my mouth. I've gained weight because I eat too much and essentially stopped exercising. It's not rocket science, it's common sense. The hurdle I have to get over is making health a priority. I keep making health about other things (attraction, social life, etc.) but when push comes to shove its about leading an active, healthy lifestyle. But every time (which is quite often) I think about making a change, it always seems so drastic. And I end up not going through with it. Or I start going through with it and a week later I'm over it. It's not about knowing what to do or how to change, I understand all of this. What I don't know is how to change my perception of the situation. It all comes back to procrastination and focus. How do I make my mind think this is literally the last possible second? That I have a strict deadline I need to meet? Again, I don't know the answer. And I wish someone did know the answer so they could clue me in. Sheesh #4.

Well, that's four "sheesh" moments in one blog post. Must be some sort of record. But that's genuinely how I feel. Life's about figuring all this out. If I didn't have so many sheesh moments I'd be way bored and totally lame. So I guess it at least makes me interesting? A new little hope in its own kind of sad way. Oh well.

This was a whiney post. For that I offer my apologies. Go drink some coffee or something to brighten up your day. I'll do the same :)

"I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like..."

           - the renowned wordsmith, aka rapper, Eminem

Live Big

Ok, I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm really, honestly not looking for pity with this subject. It's a part of my life and that's what I'm endeavoring to write truthfully about. So here goes.

While I generally consider myself a flexible, open-minded person, there are some things that I just straight-up believe and that's that. You won't change my mind so don't waste your breath, words or actions. A few of these beliefs center on men/relationships. And I guess these beliefs have made me unlucky in matters of the heart in my 23 years 5 months and 13 days. I know, I know, 23?? I'm young! True. But I think it's unfair to say that at the tender age of 23 I can't long for a loving, meaningful companionship.

I believe I have truly been in love once. I have been in love(ish) several times. You know, where while you're in the midst of it/them you are totally convinced but then once you're removed from the situation you go, well, guess not..? Unfortunately, my love and love(ish) have never been returned in any form other than great friendships.  Which I have no regrets about. None at all. I'm lucky to know these people in any capacity and anything more than friendship would have been something resembling an act of divinity. But why no act of divinity?

That's really a rhetorical question. Whatever God has planned, he has planned, and it will come when it comes. But my human nature, rational mind and hopeful heart can't help but wonder when it will happen and why hasn't it happened yet.

I feel like I am so ready for it. But the fact that it hasn't happened yet means God (who knows me way better than I know me) knows I'm not. Well, what the heck?! Why do I feel like it if I'm not?

Belief: I will only seriously date and then marry one man. I am absolutely convinced of that. I've felt this for a very long time. I don't want to have dated a bunch of dudes but I just wonder why I would have such strong feelings for these men if they weren't the right ones? If i had that magnitude of emotion for men I'm not meant to be with, DANG. What is it gonna feel like when I do finally find the right one?? Ho-lyyyyy cow.

But here's the conundrum: do I keep looking and hoping I'll find it or is he just going to be handed to me when it's time? Yes, God is really in charge, but this is a partnership. We've gotta work for it. Show Him we're willing to do whatever he needs of us. If I could just get a twitter mention from the big man every so often pushing me in the right direction, that would be most excellent. hahaha :) oh, social media. how i love thee.

I'm not discouraged, I'm just trying to draw on a well of patience that seems to be draining, slowly but surely. Thankfully, I have many things to look forward to in the coming months involving incredible family and friends and they will help me go with the flow. To relax and let it be.

I'll leave you with this. I watched the movie Tuck Everlasting last night. I loved the book and I loved the movie and I haven't watched it in years. It's a poignant sentiment about love, loss and time. The last words in the movie:

"Don't fear death, but rather the un-lived life." 

 So instead of fearing when, what and why, I'm going to live. I'm going to live big.

New Little Hopes

This most ambiguous of titles sums up my life in quite a few ways. The term "New Little Hopes" comes from the first paragraph of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover.

"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."

This paragraph speaks to me on a level that defies the physical and even the emotional world. It is truth. It is an undeniable truth that literally, everyday, somewhere in the world there is something falling apart, diminishing or being forgotten amongst other things humanly deemed more important. Bear with me here as I evangelize a little bit but from a christian standpoint, there is no obstacle greater to shoulder than that of God and Jesus in creating a loving, compassionate and moralistic humankind. There is no smooth road and many a sky have fallen. But the journey continues. The tragedy presses on in pursuit of those new little hopes; those signs, senses and sometimes even miracles that serve as a reminder of what we are really living for.

So, I've been trying to find the new little hopes in my life and to be the new little hopes for others. Some great and some seemingly not so great events have happened over the past month in my life and I'm finding there's always a blessing hidden within the ruins.

First, about a month ago, my parents decided to do a 6-month trial separation. It's been a bumpy road along the way and really it was only a matter of "when", so the shock value is basically gone. Don't get it twisted, I'm not a fan of this, but when something has to change it has to change. Simple as that. And they are trying to make that change the only way they have left. So I'm supporting it. And trying to support both of them. My dad actually moved to San Antonio where I live so the new little hope there is that he and I will be able to develop our bond further and learn from each other. The obstacle is trying to also include my mom, spend time with her and show her how much I love her and in turn how much her love means to me. That's life for you, folks. Lifey McLifertons.

Second, as I stated previously, circumstances at work have gone from being new little hopes to a brand new position. I'm not replacing anyone, it's not temporary, they created this position for me. It will be RATHER hard work and there will be no lack of obstacles, but I firmly believe it will be worth it in the end. And I get a whole new department of people to work with which will be super fun for an unabashed socializer like me :)

Lastly, I spent this past 4th of July weekend with some completely wonderful people in Austin. I'm originally from Austin and didn't want to go to UT so left to go to college. Being a bit older and more poised to appreciate all that Austin has to offer, it is becoming harder and harder for me to leave each time; especially now that Austin is offering amazing friendships.

Now, I've never really had an issue making friends in general, but making genuine, steadfast friends eluded me all throughout high school. By that, I mean I had some good friends in high school but the connection did not last afterwards. I've made some stellar friends in college, and now even after college I've made some irreplaceable girlfriends, but it was always a deep source of inner turmoil, wondering why I couldn't find people like me or willing to fully accept me. I found myself questioning who I was, what made me happy and why those things made me happy.

As a perfect example, I love Disney. Anything and everything. You can say whatever you want but I will never stop believing in the romanticized notion of true love and possibility that Disney has cultivated. It makes me happy. And I won't apologize for belting out "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast on the lawn of Barton Springs. Because it's beautiful, and it means something and that something is open to interpretation and feeling and inspiration and further creation. So what if it's a movie intended for children? An unadulterated whimsical expression of hope is a force to be reckoned with. I like to think i can wield that force should the opportunity present itself. In this post-college life, I have, rather serendipitously found two people that I believe share this same conviction. Disney-lovin is just one example of the many ways I relate to my new hopes in the form of friends. They have given me the new little hope that I am fine. That yes there will be tragedy and yes there will be obstacles and yes the ruins may get a little too close for comfort, but we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. And those hopes will make us better people. They will, I just know it.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

Long Time No See

I've not made a post on here since February and that's because I started using Tumblr. I like Tumblr, don't get me wrong but I haven't used it either in about 2 months. Something has brought me back into the world of Blogger. Don't ask me what that something is because I have no frickin idea. I think I dreamt about it last night. So I decided, what they hey I'll give it another shot.

If you'd like to take a gander at what I've posted on Tumblr: http://melweinnig.tumblr.com

Speaking of dreams. Mine make me think my brain is missing a bolt because its just nuts. My dreams feature one person from each part of my life (SA, Austin, work, family, etc.) and we are always in a random location and I'm always doing things I don't do in real life. Like dirty things. People keep telling me oh its repressed feelings blah blah blah but I think that's B to the S. I think it means something deeper but I have not a clue what. I do have to say I am always entertained though...not a dull moment in the life of Dream Mel.

Oh well. At least I'm sleeping right? That's an improvement from some of my previous posts almost a year ago. Wait, back up. A year ago? Oh that's right, I used to be a jobless loser insomniac. I will have been at my current job for a year in the middle of August. This is big. I'm getting a new position in a few weeks because basically I kick lots of corporate ass and take names. Well, sort of. That may be a bit of an embellishment but screw it, I've done a pretty killer job. And it got noticed. Which is all the recognition I need. Excuse me for a minute....WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!....ok, sorry about that, moving on.

I feel I've sufficiently restarted my journey on Blogger. Until next time....whenever that may be :)

Back in the Game

Well, hi. Yes, it's been a whopping 6 months since I've written. Needless to say, many things have happened in those 6 months. Notably, that horrible job I was talking about quitting. Quit. And found a new one, where I have been for almost 6 months. I started on August 24th. It is light-years better than the Wyndham job and I couldn't be more thankful for it.

In the World, that's for sure.

Well, after a painful and extensive search, I found a job shortly after that last post. I'm currently a Community Marketing Associate for Wyndham Vacation Resorts. Sounds pretty cool, huh? Yeah it sounds pretty cool. I wish it actually was. I definitely thought it was going to be (obviously or I wouldn't have taken the job) and it has since let me down. I have now been working for 5 weeks with only one of the those weeks actually being a good week. Unfortunately it was the first week and I've been internally and somewhat externally debating whether I should stick with it for the past month.

I hit some speed bumps thats for sure. Personal life stuff that affected my demeanor and motivation at work. Seriously sick for almost 2 weeks with quite a few days missed. And overall concern around the office about the change in management. Everyone has been treading very lightly around the subject but the tension is unmistakable and very disheartening. So im very discreetly looking around for another job while trying to keep up a smile at my current job.

I think i've been most disappointed in this job with the lack of thought involved. I was raised and have always been encouraged to use my noggin. No one wants you to use your brain in this establishment. Do what you're told and only think about how much money you're making doing absolutely nothing of value. I want to improve myself, to be a part of a free-thinking environment where learning is a major focus. Don't get me wrong, its not a bad environment, there's just not really anything to learn from this job, there's nothing to move on to, it is and will be what it already is. There's nothing more.

Oh its all just silliness. Once again, ill barrel through this uncertainty and hopefully come out on the other end a stronger, more empowered and motivated individual. Money is the unfortunate and desiccating bane of my youthfully idealistic existence. Money sucks. To put it intelligently.

Ok, going to Michael's for some canvas and paint (which I can't really afford) then going home to create some inspired decorations for my apartment. Inspiration: my bistro table. It's called the Amelia table. It's from World Market and its perfect. Perfect colors, perfect floral pattern. Hopefully creating something that will complement it's brilliance.

I Told You Big Things Happen Here...

Well its my last night in New Orleans and its been quite an eventful week. I've gone out and done something every single night and I got to see most of my family which was exactly what I came for. 

Tuesday I spent the day at home with Paw and his helper Rowena. She is here because he needs help eating and taking his medicine during the day but she really is pretty useless after that. I don't intend that to be a cruel statement, it's just a fact. She sits around watching TV and being on her telephone. You can't really blame her, there's nothing else to do, but it just seems strange to me. We watched some excellent court shows (haha) and my friend Lindsey, from school, and I were planning on going to see Up and The Hangover on Tuesday night when Lindsey got a call from her aunt with some VERY exciting news. Her aunt had a friend who had extra COLDPLAY tickets for the concert that night in New Orleans. COLDPLAY FLOOR SEATS FOR FREE. We sat at the end of the row and when the whole band walked into the back of the stadium to do a small set, I TOUCHED CHRIS MARTIN. He was basically high fiving the whole row and I was one of the lucky ones who actually made contact. I was told this would be a life-changing concert and oh my God was it ever. They were phenomenal. There is no better way to describe it. Arguably THE best concert I've ever seen. Well done, Coldplay, well done.

Then we went to Camellia Grill for some late night snackin. Crazy ladies, late night snackin. Sonic commercial, anyone? Anyway, got my traditional meal (with extra toast of course--no better toast in the world) and then we went back to Lindsey's to spend the night. We had a good chat before we had to go to sleep b/c she had work early in the morning. So I left in the AM when she left. Spent the next with Paw and Rowena again. Those court shows were really starting to grow on me...

Wednesday night I went back over to Lindsey's and we decided to go out on the town. So we did. An experience to say the very least. I don't think I'll be elaborating on this subject.

Needless to say, we didnt actually get moving until about 2:30 pm. When we actually went to see The Hangover. We were in the appropriate physical state for sure and it was absolutely hysterical. So so funny. Vulgar and horrifying at times, but truly funny. Then Lindsey and I sadly parted ways and I came back home. My cousin and I were babysitting our baby cousins that night and we had alot of fun. I love those little ones to death. The babies are actually our second cousins b/c their mom is our first cousin. Lili told me today that my baby cousin Lauren woke up and said, "When do I get to see Melissa again?" Now, if that doesn't make someone feel good, I don't know what does. Children are always the best judges of character. They see through everything.

I was supposed to leave yesterday but my paw wanted me to stay one more day so we could go to dinner. So we hung out again today, watched some court shows (I'm telling you these are addicting) and went to dinner with my cousins and my cousin's boyfriend. Service was horrible but its always a great experience to listen to my paw talk about his life. He always has some new story to tell when we're at the yacht club. I really wanted to try and video some of him this trip but never really got the chance. I have to remember to do that from now on. 

My uncle's band was playing a gig tonight so we went to that as well. There was a whole group of hilarious lesbians watching the band and they were so much fun. Dancing around like crazy. It's refreshing to see people so free and in tune with themselves. They were the most comfortable people there when societal stereotypes would lead us to believe they would feel the most awkward. Absolute fallacy. And thats a good thing.

Now, of course, I can't sleep again but I'm trying because I have to wake up in 4 hours and drive back to San Antonio. It's been fun but I'm ready to get back to my friends. I'm really starting to feel like I need to cherish these last few weeks. Time is closing in on me faster than I'm ready for. Oh well, bring it on.

Summer Sunday BBQ :)

I think I'll go to....New Orleans?

So I got to thinking. I do that sometimes. My part-time tennis camp job was pushed back a week, so I have this whole week free now. I had all of last week free. Seemed great at first, realistically made me go bananas. I decided to make a spur of the moment trip to New Orleans. All of my Dad's side of the family lives down here and if (i mean, when) I get a job, I don't know when I'll be able to come next. My grandfather is rapidly approaching 90 so I need to get in as much time as I can. 

Drove all 9 hours by myself today. Quite honestly, I went into it a little nervous (especially since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night) but it turned out just fine. I had a full 9 hours to sing/scream any music I wanted. I got to pick EVERY song. Now that, is a first. And a victory.

I also get to see a great friend of mine from school while I'm here which will break up my time on the couch watching TV with Paw all day.

Yesterday, I barbecued for 8 of my friends. We are in the same pledge class for our sorority and we have this summer dinner club that we do together. I made these amazing peanut butter brownie cupcakes, grilled barbecue chicken (turned out excellent if I may toot my own horn), hamburgers, hotdogs, fruit salad, sliced watermelon and vanilla ice cream cones. Doesn't that sound perfect for a hot summer Sunday afternoon. It was. We sat by the pool and ate and talked for 7 hours. That must be some sort of record. I'm yearning to stay in San Antonio for things like this. I'm not ready for it to stop yet.

Enough for tonight, I see more NOLA in the future. Big things happen here.

Insomnia

One of the adverse effects of the constant job hunt is the constant insomnia. My mind will not wind down before 4am or later these days. Definition of a vicious cycle: finally falling asleep around 4, waking up at noon. Note to self: people in the real world can't wake up at noon. Note to body: see note to self and go to sleep.

Weekends are bittersweet as well. The upside is the fun. Most everyone is off on the weekends so my social life resurfaces. The downside is that no one is working. AKA no one is replying to my application emails. Thankfully, I can preoccupy myself during the days but then the anxiety switch flips back on at night. Reading, watching TV, movies and/or even TV movies is a waste of my time. Nothing is helping. Even TylenolPM doesn't work for this type of insomnia. I just look at the bottle now and it scoffs at my feeble attempts.

Keeping with the rest of my current endeavors, I'm going to try my best to fall asleep now.

That beloved elementary phrase returns with a vengeance:

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again."

We'll see how it goes.